Top Ten Things To Do While You Wait For The Inauguration Apocalypse
by Billy Roper
Congressmen, media talking heads, and political pundits have all warned that civil or race war may follow the looming election, regardless of who wins. In order to prepare for the aftermath of the official swearing-in ceremony, here are some suggested crash courses you might embark on, in between now and January, when the new Commander-in-Chief takes office.
1. Learn to winter garden. Practice growing your own fresh fruit and vegetables: plowing, sowing, watering, fertilizing, harvesting, and preparing produce. Pro-tip: trespassers grow great hothouse tomatoes! During World War II, these were called “victory gardens”. This time, that would depend on whose side you’re on.
2. Learn to butcher and prepare animals as food, from livestock to small game, from hoofed to table ready. McDonald’s will be closed for the duration of the festivities. In case of prolonged power outages and natural gas shortages, practice cooking over an open fire.
3. Purchase and practice with firearms to the point of proficiency and confidence. Acquire a sufficient amount of ammunition for each. For a definition of “sufficient”, watch the climactic scene of the film “Zulu”. Hillary will get them outlawed, any way, and only outlaws will have guns.
4. Men, learn how to do small engine repair and maintenance, and basic carpentry, plumbing, and electrical work. Ladies, take up knitting, crocheting, or quilt-making. Your skills may be all that you have to barter, and the brothels will be full.
5. Locate the nearest warehouse locations to you of non-perishable food stores, as well as gasoline, diesel, and natural gas storage facilities. That’s right, you will be playing Mad Max. It won’t be theft, at that point. Think “commandeering” or “liberating”.
6. Find the nearest permanent water source to you, and learn how to haul, filter, and sterilize it for potability. No more Perrier. Giardia and Cholera will kill more people than bullets. “Hollywood” showers will be a thing of the past.
7. Acquaint yourself with alternate means of transport, such as bicycle, horse, biodiesel, or a wood gasifier propelled vehicle, for when the gas runs out or the EMP hits. Yes, Google that, cowboy. In consolation, there’ll be no more car washes, regardless. See number six.
8. Locate the nearest urban source of potential refugees and looters. If there are no clear avenues of withdrawal away from them through homogeneous areas, relocate now, while the roads are still passable. ‘White flight’ is not a bad word. Imagine every zombie apocalypse movie you’ve ever seen, then think racially. There you go.
9. Make a list of the people you know whom you trust. As in, alone with your wife when the food runs out and the lights go off, trust. Okay. You need to expand on that, don’t you? Network locally with like-minded or potentially useful people. Get to know your neighbors. The number of people you can talk into manning a roadblock barricade four blocks away to defend your neighborhood will matter more than the number of followers and likes you have on social media, once the internet goes down for the count.
10. You know that thing you kept expecting to read in this list, because you felt it was the most important thing, ever? Well, if it was so important, then why haven’t you done it, yet? Why do you need me to tell you that it’s time? Do it now. She’ll be sworn in before you know it. After that, all bets are off.
Looking for something good to read while you’re waiting for Armageddon?
Click HERE for a speculative fiction novel, the first in a trilogy, about the possible effect of a Hillary Presidency.
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